There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
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[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Hmmmmm