be careful
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If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.