me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
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The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT