Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
You Might Also Like
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.