Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
You Might Also Like
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
what?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
wtf is a larm clock?
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Phones down.
Cardio Made Easy
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.