“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
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While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
S M O L
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.