Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
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Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
They’re really bad with fonts.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
me and who
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.