Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
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The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Delightful if true: booby trap.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that