“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
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[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Well well well…
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed