Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
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My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description