Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
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Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that