Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
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Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
then why did i get this email
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
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Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.