Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
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[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.