The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
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Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Love this guy
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi