Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
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*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon