Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
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[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
what does he know…
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
This makes total sense…
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.