NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
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Cats are still liquid.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Okay, I’m still confused…
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille