Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
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[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.