Added some new forms of payment to this store…
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I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
This is sending me to another galaxy
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby