bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
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The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
A small tragedy.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine