I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
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wow he looks just like him
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Yeah. This was me today.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
2022: I can fix it
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?