The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
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My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
birds and squirrels envy us
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”