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I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I put the h in mysterious.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
#Caturday
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years