If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
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*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I have so many questions.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*