[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
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Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair