Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
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I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
A classic…
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired