Make new friends? bro out of what?
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[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*