i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
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me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie