AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
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My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]