He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
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Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store