I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance