A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
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[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
🤣🤣
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!