A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
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[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
so, is there a mister shapen head
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.