Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
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“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.