Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
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Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
This cat wants you to take your pills
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
love it when they get my name right
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.