me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
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Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
smartest karate player in the world
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”