My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
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Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.