My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
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Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
It’s an epidemic…
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
this is the most humiliating day of my life
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”