a god among men
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“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I want to meet the individual who made this
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work