I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
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dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Perfect
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.