My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
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Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Hit me in the face with a bird
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?