i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
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How times have changed.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Well well well…
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there鈥檚 some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Don鈥檛 open any messages you get from me. I鈥檓 not hacked, I鈥檓 just really mean
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
If you need a laugh.. 馃槄
I watered my garden and then it rained so I鈥檇 like a refund please
I am laughing way too hard at this.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 馃幎
Him: Mom what鈥檚 a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we鈥檙e lovers?
Stranger:馃槼
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.