Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
You Might Also Like
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
😂🤣😂🤣
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?