It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
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Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?