Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Basketball games are very squeaky.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test