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[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
No. YOU-buprofen.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two