Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
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To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.