Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
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ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Sex so good you see dead people.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context