reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
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Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Rambo Rambow