If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
You Might Also Like
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?